How to ensure survival (maybe not)
Ah Thanksgiving, that perfect time of the year when we get to stuff our faces with our families while making meaningful conversation with people that we may not have seen in quite some time. A beautiful holiday it is. In order to ensure Thanksgiving goes as smooth as possible, here are some tips to start conversation at Thanksgiving dinner. With food, football, and festivities what could possibly go wrong?
ALWAYS Talk About Politics
Even when all else fails, ol’ reliable will be there for you. In order for a Thanksgiving dinner to be declared successful, politics must be discussed. What would Thanksgiving be without your weird uncle yelling about “those darn commie liberals” or your self declared “democratic socialist” niece talking shop like they know something about the economy? Trust me, we are all better off talking about politics at the dinner table like we know we’re right. None of that centrist nonsense! Without a proper civil war in the family what would the fun be? Emperor…er…President Trump would certainly encourage us to engage in calm political discourse during Thanksgiving.
In the spirit of submissive partisanship, it should be noted that the seating arrangements should be determined by political party. Of course, anyone that does not adhere to our two party system will be placed at the kids table. Don’t be Gary Johnson on Thanksgiving. This will make for calm proceeding of political discussion. It was even foretold in legend that the pilgrims calmly discussed policy with the Native Americans at the first Thanksgiving. That is of course, before the subsequent generations committed genocide to pave the way for the America we know and love today. On that happy note, it is time to talk about what to do when the plates start flying.
General Dinner Etiquette
Now, you may think that dinner etiquette for Thanksgiving would be the same as any other day, but you would be WRONG. Thanksgiving has a very specific expectation that cannot be met with normal dinner etiquette. Thanksgiving only occurs once a year after all. It should have its own rules to make it, shall we say, memorable. It is 2018, and Thanksgiving must be inclusive so everyone can enjoy it.
Let’s start at the beginning of the dinner: the prayer. Of course, this is how the meal starts for many of us but may I suggest that our more secular folk don’t have to pray to god, but maybe the prince of darkness. I’m talking about Ozzy Ozbourne of course (don’t look at me like that grandma). In addition to that it will be recognized this Thanksgiving that the patriarchy is real, and we should move to overturn it. No longer will grandfather be carving the turkey, but the oldest female in the family, without exception.
In addition to this, the wage gap also must be accounted for, so no one gets upset. When turkey is served, the women will be given 22% more turkey than the men by weight. To go more into the food, it is only polite to throw rolls instead of passing them as this increases overall table efficiency by at least 50%. They are of the correct aerodynamic quality to be thrown. For dessert, pie will be served but I may suggest that in hard economic times it is OK to skip on the crust and buy it from the store. A wise man in my family once said “the pie is good, but the crust is inedible.” This statement has set the precedent in my family and I believe it to be a good statement to live by.
In all seriousness, Thanksgiving is a time to appreciate what you have and give thanks. It is a time for enjoying the company of your closest friends and family and being together to be happy and joyful. I may joke (a lot), but Thanksgiving is a great time of togetherness and unity for a family and is not something to take for granted. I wish you all a Happy Turkey Day!
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